I'm Still Here!

To all my loyal fans who may be wondering what is going on in my life, I just want you to know I'm still alive and ticking! This summer has proven to be one of the longest, most stressful I think I have had in my life. I will post more details later when I get a few minutes (probably when school is over. I should have a weeks worth of a break by then!).

Don't Put Your Eggs in One Basket!

I've decided that I have to post this now otherwise I won't get anything else done. This has been one of the longest weeks I can remember. It all started Sunday night when Abbie dumped a glass of juice on my brother's new laptop. Luckily he got it cleaned out and running again, but it wasn't a pleasant night.

Monday morning I got up and got ready for work just like any day except for the fact I was still upset about the night before and wasn't in the socializing mood. Abbie hadn't slept well through the night, but managed to be completely out when I went to get her jacket on so we could head off for the day. I decided I would change her diaper so that I could just put her in the play pen when we arrived at my sister's house and then be on my way. We ended up leaving home about ten minutes earlier than usual. I remember looking at the clock as we were driving away and saw that it was 4:23 and thought it was crazy that I was so early, but I would finally be to work early. When we got to my sister's, we went inside, I put Abbie in the play pen, had my sister put her antibiotics in the fridge, and bent down to give Abbie a hug and kiss before I left. I wasn't inside more than a few minutes, 3-4 tops.

As I walked out her front door, I looked at the house 2 doors down and noticed a man carrying a briefcase looking object walking towards the front door. I have a friend who lives there and sometimes see people come home at early hours, but this time there was something odd about him. I didn't see any cars and the house was dark, but he was certainly walking with intent. I walked out to my jeep, opened the drivers side door and saw my glovebox wide open. At that point in time, it clicked. I didn't have to look but I knew that my backpack and laptop were gone and that the "briefcase" the man was carrying was my laptop. I immediately ran back inside my sister's and yelled at her to call the police I had just been robbed. She asked me if I was serious and as I was running back outside, I yelled back something to the effect of yes I was serious and he was down the street. (I swear I didn't tell her to get off her lazy a**, like she thinks I did!)

I pulled out my cell phone and dialed my mom to tell her what happened. My voice started quivering as I told her I'd been robbed then a little voice in my head told me to pull it together and go after him. It wasn't right for him to get away with my stuff like that. I started running down the street to my friend's house to see if I could see him. It was so dark and I didn't dare go into the backyard by myself, so I did what any crazy girl would do in that situation.... I yelled out telling the a** hole to get back here with my stuff. Yeah, not my finest moment. Especially considering the fact that my mom was still on the phone with me. A quick apology to her and she said she was on her way.

I couldn't see anything at the house, so I decided to head down to the corner in the off chance that I would see someone running out of the neighborhood with my stuff. A brief moment later, the first police car arrived. He confirmed I was the one who had seen the perp and asked where he had gone. I pointed to the house and he immediately drove by with his spotlight on. He drove around the block then came back to the house. By this time, another police car was in the neighborhood. The officers got out and immediately started pounding on the door. No one answered, so they started checking the grounds. Apparently my sister was hearing a lot of noise in her backyard as well, so they searched her yard and the one next door as well. Meanwhile, I was standing at the corner and hearing a ton of rustling between the two houses in front of me. I got on my phone and called my sister and told her to send them down my way because I was sure someone was down my direction. As I looked around, I could tell that there were 2 different officers at the entrances of her neighborhood, not to mention the unmarked vehicle, and another one or two cars that were now patrolling the streets in hope of finding whoever was out there.

The police finally made it down my way. I told him and his partner that I was hearing a lot of rustling in the yards across the street and they went to check it out. Mom showed up about that time and joined me on the corner so I could fill her in on what was happening. Quick side note... My sister lives in one of the most beautiful neighborhoods because of all the greenery that is there. Well, this time it certainly isn't helpful! We were both surprised at how often and closely they looked into the trees. The one who was on the scene first came back and told me they hadn't seen anything. Then he asked me if I had any ties to the home behind me. I told him no and he shined his flashlight into a car that I happened to be standing next to. Apparently that one and one behind me had been broken into as well. He got on his radio and said something then told me they were going to do a sweep of all the cars in the neighborhood because they had noticed at least four or five others that had been broken in to. He told me I could go back to my sister's house and to wait for them to come back and take a statement. I asked if I could touch my vehicle or if they wanted to do prints. He said that they wouldn't be able to take prints because it had been so wet and they wouldn't be able to find something. I insisted that my car was pretty dry because I had driven it from Sandy, but he still declined. Mom asked if I wanted a ride back to my sister's, but I told her no and that I needed to work off some adrenaline.

I got back to the house and waited for the officers to return. I shed my first few tears during this time and went inside to visit the little girls room. Abbie woke up when I walked in the door, so I took her with me then made her a bottle and laid her back down. Thank heavens she was okay and sleeping through most of it. I gave the officer my statement and tried to recount everything that was in my bags. Not so easy to do on the spur of the moment! I had called into work while I waited at the first house to tell them I wasn't going to be for a while and why, so I figured that I would just hold off longer since I would be needing to cancel everything and get a new ID.

Long story shorter.... I ended up taking the day off so I could cancel my identity and find a new one. Can I just tell you that it is a major pain to start new with absolutely nothing, or close to it anyway. You can't start a new checking account without ID, but you can't get a new ID without having a social security card. In order to cancel credit cards, you have to know what the numbers are and if you haven't written them down somewhere or have billing statements, you're in a little trouble!

I called Ralph to ask him if he could get new insurance cards for me since mine were in my wallet. I broke down on the phone and told him what happened including the fact that I was in school again. He offered to purchase new books for me and help me out in any way he could. He called and sent me text messages throughout the day making sure I was okay. It was very nice of him and he reminded me of the Ralph I fell in love with years ago. I also spent a good time talking to one of my good friends who kept me calm and comforted as well.

I had a horrible time sleeping that night (and still have problems sometimes). When I close my eyes I see all over again that man walking down the street with my stuff or opening my car and seeing the glove box wide open. It sure is a pain and I still have that gut wrenching pain that came after the initial shock wore off.

Tuesday was a little better, but I was so incredibly worn out that it was a long day. Nothing got accomplished except for the fact that I made it through 12 hours of work. Luckily my boss was out of town on vacation, so I got a few short naps in at work! Wednesday was so incredibly busy at work, I didn't have much time to breath. I did figure out that "nice Ralph" was gone and he was back to normal. He didn't bother me about school Monday night, but you better believe that come Wednesday afternoon the harassment began. It's going to be another long battle with him concerning school.

My poor Abbie has definitely noticed the stress in me too. Thursday and Friday were Ralph's scheduled days to have her and she was not interested in going with him at all. She gave him a hug and a kiss then wanted "mom" back. She is practically glued to me and doesn't want to be put down. She's such a cute little stink! I sure love her to death!!!

Among the things that were stolen were a brand new MacBook laptop computer, a new computer bag, a biology book and lab book, a graphing calculator, a change of clothes including a new Victoria's Secret bra and my favorite grey Airmed t-shirt, a few DVD's, a reading book by my favorite author Mary Higgins Clark, a folder with church papers in it, and some of my court stuff. As of Thursday morning, they have had some stuff from the neighborhood turned in (from what I heard from the neighborhood watch person, 10-12 ish cars were broken into in that neighborhood that night), but nothing belonged to me. I loved the evidence person I talked to. She reassured me that they would notify me if anything came in and they get a lot of backpacks in, so there is a chance that I may see something again eventually. I lost my wallet which had my drivers license, my paramedic and fire certificates/badges, my credit cards, my check book, my insurance cards, and a couple of dollars. All of it had to be replaced. It wasn't until after that night that my mom told me that they say you're not supposed to put all of your cards, checks, ID's, etc in the same place. Yep, it makes sense, but I've never heard it before and I certainly didn't do that!

In my thinkings, my biggest initial fear was that Ralph had something to do with it. After I heard that so many vehicles had the same problem, I figured it was just a lucky shot for them. My biggest fear though from the entire experience is that they were so close. I know the neighbor kiddy corner from my sister was broken in to. Either they came from there or they were in my sisters driveway or right next door and I didn't see them. If I had locked my door after I got Abbie out of the car, would they have been desperate enough to physically do something to me or Abbie in order to get my keys from me? That fear haunts me. Things could have possibly been much worse. (I am a huge worry wart, if you can't tell) I'm lucky that neither Abbie or I were hurt. We were definitely blessed with safety that morning.

Monday night, Ralph and I did some talking (I told you he was nice to me) and I told him that I'm not one to ask "why me," but I did ask what I'm supposed to have learned from this. I've come up with a few things so far. First of all, being a single parent I am a huge chicken. I need to learn to be tougher. Second, lock your car doors, even if it is 4:30 in the morning and you are only going to be inside for a few minutes. Third, don't put all your valuables in one spot. It is a pain to reclaim or replace them!

I was telling this same friend that I talked to all day Monday (not Ralph) that I feel like I lost a child. It has rained every day since Monday and all I can think is that my stuff is out there somewhere waiting for someone or me to find it. I have been back to my sister's house numerous times in this last week and each time I drive through her neighborhood I drive slowly in the hopes that I may see something that has been overlooked. Still no luck, but I'm hopeful. I've learned in my life not to be too much of an optimist because I always seem to get the brunt side of it, but there is a huge part of me that believes my stuff will be returned to me or at least some of it. Lots of prayers have been said this week!

Happy 18 Months, Abbers!

June 5, was Abbie's official 18 month birthday! (Yep, I'm a dork! I've kept track of stuff like that!) This is for you kiddo!

I just wanted to tell you that I love you dearly and that I am so grateful the Lord trusted me enough to have you in my life! (what was he thinking?!?) You mean the world to me!

Just a few things you are doing now at 18 months:

*You are constantly singing! You have the cutest little voice and sing all the time. Once in a while I'll be able to pick out a distinguishable word. Your favorite songs to sing are Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree, I Am a Child of God, and I'm a Little Teapot.

*You climb on everything possible. I see stitches and broken bones in your future!

*You repeat everything you hear. It amazes me the vocabulary you have and the ability and clarity you have to repeat words and sounds you hear!

*You are the sweetest kid ever! Don't get me wrong, the tantrums are not so sweet, but you love hugging and kissing everything!

*I wish I had a video camera on you 24/7 because of the many faces you pull! You keep all of us in stitches with your personality! I hope you never change that!

I love you so much kiddo! As much as I miss the cute, cuddly, quiet little thing you once were, I am so excited to see you grow up! Love you sweet pea!





*** for those who read this regularly, I have the cutest picture of her to put in, I just need access to my parents computer to put it in. stat tuned for my next post to learn the reasons why I can't do it now for those who don't already know!***

Ahh, the Power of a Slurpee!

When was the last time any of you had a good old fashioned Slurpee from 7-11? Well, for me it's been years! I think the last time I got a slurpee was when I was junior high or high school (probably more like jr. high!) and I'd go out and mow the lawn for my dad. It was always his payment for doing the deed for him. Not that I was ever looking for slurpee payments for mowing the lawn, I much preferred the excuse to wear a tank top and get a little sun!!! I confess, I've never liked looking like a ghost! (stay tuned for my blog to come! you can all tell me how stupid I am then!!)

Anyway, back to slurpees! It's been a really long week, lots of stress, little sleep. I had to leave Abbie again today so I could go to my biology lab. Not an easy thing for me to do, especially since she spent so much time with Ralph this week which means that her system is all out of whack! Luckily, I have the best sister in the world who is always willing to help me out by babysitting. Easy peasy day for her though, Abbie slept the entire time! (poor kid though, a five hour nap is so not in the norm for her!)

I get to my lab, take my quiz (which I think I pretty much rocked!), and get started on the lab material. I had read through the material yesterday and this morning and was thinking it would be pretty easy and I'd be done in less than two hours. Boy was I wrong! I am quickly learning that I am not cut out for this biology garbage (sorry to those who love the subject!). Those who really know me are probably questioning me at this point in time, since I'm going into medicine and biology is such a HUGE aspect of the medical world! Okay, lets face it, biology is all about cells and cells are the building blocks of life, yadda yadda yadda. I get it, without all of these cells, we would never exist, medicine would never exist, and so on! I could care less about those teeny tiny cells. Give me the structure! I can do anatomy, I can do physiology, I can do the calculations to figure out moles and molarity, but can I do biology? Heavens no! Nucleus, mitochondria, cytoplasm, cell wall... they are words I have heard since I was in elementary school and they still go in one ear and right out the other! I hate it! No wonder I only took the necessary biology courses to graduate and nothing more! I am no good at biology and all the stuff that require a microscope to see!!! I have not struggled with a class this much since I took my sociology class six years ago!

I managed to make it through the lab, making sure to hit all the exercises. Yeah, I found everything, mostly with the help from my professor, but I don't think I understood 99% of what I saw. With this in mind, I was pretty stinkin' close to tears on my way home. After calling both of my sisters and finding out that Abbie was still sleeping and I'd confirmed a walk with my baby sis, I headed over to pick up my sleeping babe. On the drive to my sister's, I was thinking of the places that we could walk tonight and all I could think about was how we used to walk to 7-11 all the time when we were kids to get slurpees. After that, I was doomed. I could not get my mind off of them!

Once Abbers and I finally got home, I ran the slurpee thought by my sister and she agreed that they sounded delish!! Because of Abbie's long nap, she had missed out on lunch. Dad bbq'd (and managed to do it fairly early tonight!), so I decided to feed my kiddo first. By the time we had all eaten, neither of us wanted to go walking but we still wanted a slurpee! So my sister, Abbie, and I all hoped into the car and headed to the local sev and purchased slurpees for the fam. Let me just tell you, it was the BEST treat I have had in a long time! It was seriously like I was pregnant again with the cravings and needing to have it (except that I really didn't have any situations when I was pregnant that I HAD to have something). I got a wild strawberry and melon berry or something like that mixture. The wild strawberry was way too tart for my sensitive tongue, but I enjoyed it thoroughly throughout the night! I even got Abbie her own! Abbers loved it and managed to eat the majority of it! The fam enjoyed theirs too! No complaints in this household! For anyone who is looking for an inexpensive, cold treat this summer, may you keep in mind the slurpee! (no, I'm not getting paid for the plug, I just really enjoyed it and wanted to share in my bliss!) It also helps when you are having a bad day! Nothing like taking a walk down memory lane!!!

Catch up!

I am continuously reminded by one certain someone about how long it has been since I have posted, so I figure it's about time to write something to let my fans out there know that I am still alive and ticking! (thanks you 2 or 3 out there who actually look at this once in a while!)

I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why it's taken me over a month to post and I think I've come up with a few solutions....

1) Pure exhaustion has set in. I am seriously more tired than I think I have been in my life. I go to work, come home, take care of Abbie & put her to bed, then I crash myself. There just never seems to be enough time in the day.

2) Work seems to be getting busier. Maybe it's the fact that we lost two more people on our team, making five total in the last year, and management has only hired one to replace the five. Funny thing, we don't have the "finances" to hire more people for our team, but there is no problem paying overtime to fill the constant void??? I don't get it. It's certainly tiring and it makes me feel guilty spending more time away from Abbie, but with all the attorney's fees I'm still trying to pay, I could certainly use the money. Somehow, this may be contributing to my exhaustion!

3) School started for me. Now this is another long story. For the second semester in a row, I've gone my rounds with the college. I can't even remember what happened last semester, but the supervisor person I talked to "fixed" everything and told me I was all set to start school the summer semester. Well, guess who went the rounds with the admissions staff once again? That's right, it was me!!! For some reason, my transcripts aren't there and there is nothing they can do about it. I think they finally got tired of me so they sent me on to the dean of the biology department. I explained my story to him through my brother, bless his heart! (he actually had the dean as a professor spring semester and offered to talk to him for me) Anyway, the dean bypassed the system and got me into the biology class I needed. Whew! One stressor down!

4) I am working on my application for PA school (physician's assistant for anyone who may be questioning what it is). Sheesh, I've heard people describe this application as scary and they certainly weren't kidding! I've managed to get my personal info onto the app, but have so much more to go! I would love more than anything to start grad school next year, but I know my application is lacking in a few areas. First, volunteer experience. Yep, I realize I really haven't been out in the community the last few years. I've really been focused on my own life and dealing with the changes that have come! Second, shadowing. I work with PA's every day, so I have a general idea of what they do, but I haven't followed them outside of work. I have plans to follow one now, but would love to find at least one other to shadow. Seems so easy, but once again, I'm torn at how much time it is taking away from my time with Abbie. I feel like she is spending so much more time with Ralph or my sister than she is with me. It breaks my heart!!! I've weighed my options though, and I know that this is the next thing I have to do in my life for Abbie and me. In the long run, it'll mean I can provide a better life for her and will have more time with her. My goal now is to show her how much I absolutely love her and need her in my life and how much she means to me. She is my life! She is my sweet little princess!

5) Oh, and who can forget the saga with Ralph?!? Yep, it continues! It's just as big a pain as ever. We are still working on getting court orders #3 drafted correctly. You'd think it would be pretty easy when you have the transcripts of the court hearing in your hands, but clearly it's not! I don't entirely blame Ralph because it is his attorney who is doing the drafting, but we were all in the same courtroom. You'd think that some of the garbage they are trying to pass as orders from the commissioner are so far out in right field they'd be a little ashamed for even suggesting it! Nope! So we continue fighting the games. I keep getting told that being the reasonable parent will pay off, but I'm seriously wondering when and how! I am truly sorry for anyone who may be going through similar problems with ex's because it certainly drains you!

6) I think this is the main reason I have stopped blogging so much.... I have been seeing a therapist (I think that's what she is!) for the last several months. The reason I've been seeing someone is because I finally realized that I can't do it on my own and by "it" I mean healing. The first time I saw someone was almost a year ago after things got physical at one of Abbie's exchanges and I got hurt. I only saw that guy once and then was a little ashamed or embarrassed or scared of what I heard and of going back.

I finally got to a point last fall that I decided that I really needed someone neutral to talk to. It honestly terrifies me each time I go in, but in the end I usually walk away feeling much better. I've learned some things that have really opened my eyes. The first being the fact that I was in a very abusive relationship (mainly mental and emotional) and that Ralph really had a hold on my mind. We are working very hard on getting his voice out of my head and retraining myself to know that I wasn't all those awful things he called me (and still does). We are working hard on finding "me" again and breaking that control that Ralph had and still has on my life.

This is where the problem lies. The last time I saw my therapist, we talked about me writing Ralph a letter. Not the kind that you send him, but the kind that you write and completely open up in. Let all your feelings fly, whether good or bad. Yep, I'll be honest with you, this completely terrifies me. With everything that has gone on in the last 2 1/2 years (Abbie wise) and the 4 1/2 years before that (from the time we first met), I really don't want to go back and explore all those feelings I have worked so hard to file away! Okay, okay, I know writing one of these letters really does help. I wrote one 11 years ago to my best friend who killed himself and it really did make me feel much better. It allowed me to say goodbye to him and let me release those feelings I had about being responsible for not stopping it before it happened. See, I'm doing it right now! Distracting myself from writing about Ralph!!! Someday maybe this letter will happen. I just don't know that I'm ready to do it right now. I think what I really need is a good swift kick in the rear! Any takers???

7) Last, but definitely not least and certainly not the end (this blog is just long enough as it is!), Abbie is getting so big! She amazes me every day! She is growing up so fast, it's crazy! I miss my little cuddly sweet pea! Abbie climbs and jumps and runs everywhere and sings or talks nonstop. She is so incredibly darling! I'll have to post more pics! She loves the outdoors, so I'm always looking for new things to do with her. But, she is almost 18 months and wears me out! I would love that kind of energy!

That's a little bit of what has been going on in the last month since my last post! I have a few more to come, but I think I'm going to head to bed. I didn't sleep well last night and I think it's because Abbie is with Ralph again. This is her first 3 day 2 overnight time. I only cried when I was driving her over to meet Ralph. I've made it 36 hours now and have about 20 hours left. Okay, who am I kidding! Even I am confusing myself with my math! I've made it two full days and one overnight! One overnight and one full day left!!!!! I think I'm doing great!

Thanks all for listening to my ramblings! I promise I'll get better at posting again!



Here's my cute little peanut digging in the garden!